Tuesday, September 21, 2010

An Ode to Milton Bradley (and Hasbro)...Lol

**I may add more to this but I had to put this up. I am in a silly mood. Sorry if this sucks, lol.**

If you main OPERATION
Is to get into my CANDYLAND,
Then believe me,
SORRY boo, get a CLUE.
The man that has a MONOPOLY
Of my heart
Is my idea of PERFECTION.
He'll be the one to
BOGGLE my mind and SCRABBLE my senses.
I'd gladly get caught in his MOUSETRAP
Or even let his TWISTER of love
Completely sink my BATTLESHIP.
In love, you have to take that RISK
to CONNECT 4-ever to the one that
Excites you like those CHUTES AND LADDERS
Days of childhood.
In your search for your UNO
It's always worth the TROUBLE.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My Dream Deterred - Inspired by "A Dream Deferred" by Langston Hughes

**Hughes' poem is at the bottom of this blog**

My Dream Deterred

Langston asked the question that plagues my mind today
What happens to a dream deferred?
In his mind, it dries or festers, sugars over, or explodes
In my heart it collects dust and grows old
My dreams run deep, plant roots in my soul
Connects my heart to mind and cradles my goals
But at present, they reside in a small box in a corner
And like a curious child on her birthday
I shake the box, remembering its contents.
I try to pull open one corner to refresh my mind
But reality slaps my hands away
Sadly, I realize my true potential must stay enclosed
While zombieing through a plateaued 9 -5
Little hope for a successful climb to the top
I miss my dreams like a high school love
I yearn for it, reach for it, but I fall short.
My unfulfilled potential grips my heart and slows its beats
It steals the air from my lungs and makes me weak
I weep
I pine
I need this dream to be mine
Because my life's incomplete without the truth of my greatness
So I continue to sneak peaks, when reality has its back turned
I spend my nights wrapped around my box of hopes
Of happiness and serenity
Tugging at the tight ribbon of potential
Til that one day when I too can write of dreams
And to Langston's poem I can reply:
What happens to a dream fulfilled?
Does it swell like the jubilant heart of a child?
Or does it fill up like joyous tears
Then run?
Does it perfume like new life in spring?
Or effervesce and trickle down
Like your love's saccharine kisses?
Or it rises light as a feather into the heavens
Then explodes?

A Dream Deferred by Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Monday, May 3, 2010

Wow! I said that?

This isn't a real blog. I posted this on Facebook on a bad day I was having on April 28 and liked it so much I felt the need to repost it.

"The hope and motivation I have lies in my recognition of my talent, abilities and potential. And I haven't lost sight there. That is my guiding light through all of this foolishness. I don't need false support from anyone in that area of my life. If I am egotistical in any aspect of my life it is because I know I am greater than you will allow me to be."

I may build a new blog around it. Not sure yet. Surprised that even came from me. Lol.

Funny, every so often I surprise myself. Ha! :)

Keep Your Head Up!

**Repost of MySpace Blog from October 02, 2008**

A couple days ago, I blogged about not being deterred from my goals because of negativity. It was my personal declaration of determination and happiness. In recent weeks, some of my friends and loved ones have not been as fortunate. They are facing daily pressures and heartaches that are too much to bear. Family issues, relationship drama, financial pitfalls, work frustrations, and breaking friendships have plagued them all. And it breaks my heart to see people I care about getting shitted on from all aspects of life. Why is it always the good people that have to fight the hardest? Every roadblock is a test of your ability to survive. I get that. But sometimes it feels like life itself wants you to fail. You know that old saying, "When it rains, it pours"? My people are caught in a freakin' hurricane right now. Hurricane Joy Stealer.

I know there is only so much I can do for them. I wish I could do more. If I could turn back the hands of time, I'd stop the pain and stress from happening in the first place. Sure, we need our tests in life but damn! Not ten tests at once! There aren't enough Cliff Notes in the world to help explain the complexities and meanings of our soul-scarring experiences.

I know I have been on a song kick for the last few blogs but this seems so fitting:
Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier.
Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter.
Someday, yeah, we'll put it together and we'll get it all done
Someday when your head is much lighter.
Someday, yeah, we'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Someday When the world is much brighter

Here's some advice:
-Don't hold grudges against your people. You waste time being mad and miss opportunities to make new memories. Don't let one mistake ruin a solid friendship. Remember all the other times they were there for you.

-In terms of relationships, FORGET HIM OR HER. You are better off without them! If they caused you pain on more that one occasion, they were idiots unworthy of your time.

-If people offer to help you money wise, don't be too proud to accept. Keep being a proud fool if you want to. Your proud ass will be without a car, place to live and food. People offer help because they care, not because they pity you.

-And if work is getting you down... Hell, send me your damn resume. Lol. We can find you something else. Do your best to leave work stress at work. If it affects your home life, it is time for a new start somewhere else.

And above all, keep your head up and don't let anyone steal your happiness.

And know that people have love for you. Especially me. :)

Can't Nobody Hold Me Down :)

**Repost from Myspace Blog from October 01, 2008**

Yes, I am quoting a song again. Shut up! Lol.
So in my past blogs, I gave you some insight into some of my flaws. Basically… I have been a crazy woman before. (Yeah, I know guys, no surprise.)
But I have lots of flaws:
-I am so prideful at times I will lie to protect myself from embarrassed (another blog).
-I make bad choices because I hope for the best.
-I wait until the last minute to do things.
-I have had delusions of sticking through bad situations because I KNOW how much I will be appreciated later (yet another blog).

The list goes on and on. And each time something goes wrong, I fall flat on my face. Feeling hurt, heart broken, pride taken away, just the sight of me crying (ugly crying) feeling sorry for myself. Believe me, not too many people have seen Fragile Tammy. And I rather they don't. (See, being prideful again).

In the past, I have written a lot of angry blogs because of this pain. I can't seem to get it right. I try to be happier, I try new things, I take chances and ish doesn't work out. I got to the point that I thought I would never be happy in any aspect of my life. When I seem to get happy, something goes wrong and it's taken away from me. Why even try? Just be miserable and expect the worse. You are never let down.
But a great thing happened to me years ago. I hit rock bottom.

As I have told some of you, the best thing to happen to me was the worst part of my life. I won't go into details (pride, pride, pride) but I can tell you life has never been worse than that period in my life.

So yes, I get discouraged when things don't go my way. Yes, I cry when my heart is broken and I am alone again. And yes, I get angry and sad when someone interferes with something that has made me just happy in the last few weeks. I quickly gave thought to giving up and moving on. Why waste the energy?

Not happening! I will be a fool and go for it anyway. I will figure out a way to make things right for me.

(Says Serenity prayer silently to herself)

So whatever obstacles or issues stand in my way, I will just have to face them reasonably. Not to the point that other will get hurt in the process though. I never take others down with me. Your issues and insecurities will not interfere with the happiness!

"Can't nobody take my pride, can't nobody hold me down, oh no, I got to keep on moving!" :)

Serenity Prayer for Friendship

**Repost of a blog from September 22, 2007**

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have found myself saying that prayer to myself over and over again lately. Certain events have caused me to reconsider my current situation, in particular, my friendships. Or lack there of.

Now don't get me wrong, I cherish the friends that I have. The friends I have in my life are the genuine article. Top quality. They have helped me through some tough times and, even when I have screwed up in the past…and I mean major screw ups, they are still there. Trying to offer advice or trying to make me crack a smile. But the feeling is mutual. I will gladly empty my bank account if one of them needs help. Or a shoulder to cry on. Or my flat booty to crack jokes on…lol!

Recently, I have lost touch with several friends of mine and have done nothing about it. Actually, "recently" is not the best phrase to use because some of them I haven't talked to in months…. or years! I know, I know, that is horrible. And why have I done this? Who knows
Sheer laziness. Sheer selfishness.
Sometimes, I just didn't feel like talking but they are the kind of people that, if you tell them that, they will understand. But still, I do nothing to change this fact.
I have to make some changes in my daily life and do better.

God grant me…the courage to change the things I can…

Even more recently, I have lost touch with a friend. I know in the past that I have used my blogs to kind of put people on blast but I won't do it this time. What's the point?

Now the reason behind us not talking anymore…well, it was the influence of others…by that I mean their words and actions.

Evil people always seem to find a way to ruin a good thing. Always. Whether they are jealous, scared, lonely, or insecure about themselves. They can't stand to see people doing better than themselves. Sometimes they hate just because they envy what you have.
How about this people…grow up! If you aren't getting what you want, so what? That is your issue to deal with. Don't bring your rainy cloud over my parade!
Get a life and stop envying mine.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things(...and people) I cannot change...

Now I have let go of some friends in the past that have not meant that much too me. Or because their true colors and intentions become very apparent. When that was the case, I dismissed them. Erased their numbers, cussed a few out, and moved on with life.

But the good ones, whether good on the surface or deep down, you do your hardest to hold on to. Because they are the pearls. You can't find people like that everyday. So when you lose one, it hurts. And even though we (this particular friend and I) don't have years and years of history, losing any friend hurts.
Especially those that matter.
Others might not see your worth but I do. And that is what matters.
People question why I even care about losing a friend. What should it matter? Well, when it comes down to it, I do care. When you get to the point that you care about a friend and their well-being…and would help them out without a second thought, they are a keeper.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
So for any of my friends I haven't talked to in a while, I promise I will get back in touch. I promise.
And for my recent loss, well, we will see what happens.
I hope things get better for you...for me...for everyone.
That's all. Goodnight.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

We're In This Together...

Having a reflective moment, bare with me.

In life, we surround ourselves with people that reflect our own interests and goals. Our styles and hopes and even our sense of humors. You always have to keep people around that get the joke. Anyway, if this is true in social situations, it must apply in love too. We are attracted to like-minded people. Sometimes their faults reflect our own faults. We meet people on the same levels as us. But that is what you want. You want someone that understands where you have been and where you want to go. You want someone that is on the same path, though not necessarily the same goal.

That being said, when one of you is moving along faster than the other, what do you do? Do you slow your pace so they can catch up? Do you keep going without them? What is the right course of action? I wish I knew the answer to that. A definitive answer.

Here is what my heart tells me. If you are with someone that is like you, maybe their struggles are a reflection of your own. Maybe your success is one area is a reflect of your failure in another. Just because you both aren't moving at the same pace doesn't mean you give up on them. I can look down on you and tell you to get your shit together only when I am at a point of true success. I just because I have a good paying job isn't a complete success if I hate it. That keeps money in the bank but not happiness in my life. I don't have the headaches of the single mothers and fathers but I don't have the joy of having a child either.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my successes and triumphs. I have great accomplishments but there is always room for improvement. I know I am a work in progress. There is always an upgrade of me available. But getting there is always a struggle. You can always see the best in yourself but it is sometimes hard to get others too. And that is when you need to find someone that does. I think I always taken a liking to someone that is on their way to greatness but not quite there yet.

I have gone through some extremes too. I have had a man with no ambition and a man that was so ambitious he thought I wasn't good enough to be on his level anymore. Hell, I have had a man that didn't know what was good for him at all. Just lost in life.

But the man that knows what he wants and is working to get there, I have respect for. One that doesn't look down on me for holding him back and that I don't have to push to just to get him going. He knows where he wants to be and thought he struggles to get there, makes small successes and tries to make it happen. Ambitious but not pompous. Making a way but not standing still. He doesn't like being a failure and finds a way to make things work. He might now find all his successes at the same time but he will eventually. Eventually he will be completely happy but, for now, finds happiness in what he has accomplished so far and in life.

I think I lost my point along the way. Oh well. I think I just needed to say that. Take what you will from it. I hope it made sense.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

How Do You Spell My Life?

I hate the “What If” game. I find myself doing this more often than I should. Reminiscing, scrutinizing, deconstructing and re-assembling the events of my life and the paths I have chosen. It’s not an easy task to do. I still don’t think I have accomplished anything from it. Whenever a major event happens or a big change or great loss occurs, I look back at the course of things and try to pinpoint not only the actions that led me here but also the reason why.
Have you ever been typing or writing a sentence and you come across a word that just doesn’t look right. You think you have misspelled it but you check the dictionary and it is correct. Even with checking it, you still aren’t satisfied with the spelling. You stare at it. Something’s not right. It begins to look foreign to you, like you don’t recognize it. Why is it spelled that way? That doesn’t look right. Has it always been this unusual?

That’s me and my life. Except I keep staring. I stare until the word itself divides into individual letters. But it doesn’t stop there. The letters become markings on a page. They seem random and pointless. It always gets to that point where nothing makes sense and what I thought I knew and was comfortable with is gibberish.

Maybe I lost you in all of that. I hope not. I think the point I am trying to make is that all of that hard scutinization and decoding is for not. It doesn’t improve comprehension and it doesn’t leave you satisfied. When you deconstruct your reality to the point of nonsense, it never helps. I know it doesn’t help me.

So the best thing to do is to pull back. Pull back until those markings become letters and then words. And once those words lose their funny look, they make sense again. They look correct. It is the familiar again. And you continue on with your sentence.

Because that sentence is part of a larger paragraph. Part of a larger page. And ultimately, it is part of a longer story that we have little control of. It’s a story written by a better “editor”, a better “storyteller”. We don’t know where we will end up. We only control the words on the page but not the full story.

So I will just have to keep writing. Keep living. Keep pushing forward.

I can’t promise I won’t stop to stare again.

But, I will try not to waste time deconstructing me.