Love Lessons

With every new relationship, I have learned more and more about what I am looking for in a man. The concepts and beliefs held at 18 have slowly developed into something more meaningful and distinct. With each failed relationship, another lesson is learned. And with it, my immature concept with love is sculpted into the true image of what love means to me. I would much rather be a person that loves honestly and with renewed hope with each person than to hold back to protect myself. I feel that if you put forth half-hearted effort, you will get half-hearted results. And though heartbreak is inevitable, it’s the lessons learned from each relationship that prove to be worth the post-breakup pain. And in the end, I always know that I will survive and try once again.

These are some of the lessons I will never forget in my journey:

• Love should not be based on how someone can improve your status. Love should not be a business gain only. Superficial reasons lead to superficial feelings. Love me for believing that I will be a devoted wife and a loving mother. Love me because you know I will never abandon you in your time of need. Love me for who I am right now and what you feel I am capable of.

• Love should not hurt all the time.  It shouldn't leave you in despair or sadness. It should uplift, inspire, and encourage. Never love out of pride and do not allow pride to keep you in bad situations. There is someone better for you that won't leave you with emotional scars and fears for the future.

• Don't love someone because they make you happy. What I mean is don't rely on your love for someone to sustain your daily happiness. You should be able to walk to and away from someone with your joy. Relying on their presence for your light will lead to a darkness that is hard to recover from once they leave. Add your personal happiness and light to someone else's life to find real love.

• Loving someone should not be hard work. It should not be a task you have to make yourself do. Love shouldn't be a struggle. Yes, you face struggles in love but the initial development should not be a battle. That is when it becomes one-sided and unbalanced. One person shouldn't put forth all the effort. Love is a balanced scale. Give and take on both sides. If someone truly cares about you, they will let their feelings be known.

• Don't love someone for the way they make you feel. Love shouldn't be your means for high self-esteem. That's not its purpose. Honesty, love will help you grow and mature. It will envelopes that greatness in you and helps it to blossom. Don't depend on someone to make you feel better about yourself. That is just another form of selfish love.

• Don’t try to love until you are ready. Understandably, you can’t control who you might have feelings for. However, if you are going through a major life change, dealing with drama and issues, or trying to find yourself, keep to yourself. Find yourself and take care of your home first. Get comfortable and secure in yourself before you try to bring someone else into your life.

• Revisiting an old love can be tricky. You are never quite sure if the feelings you had in the past will translate into the present. Sometimes you were only meant to love that person in the past. You’ve learned from the relationship and you move on. Some people are lucky enough to rekindle their old feelings and start fresh. But they find this success because they accept them for they were before and who they have become. Make sure to your love matures beyond your past. Love in reality, not in memory. 

Like I said, these are my lessons. They may not apply to you and your situations. I am always learning, always re-shaping what I want versus what I need. And that has truly been the hardest lesson to accept, learn and put into practice.

My Dream Deterred - Inspired by "A Dream Deferred" by Langston Hughes

**Hughes' poem is at the bottom of this blog**


My Dream Deterred


Langston asked the question that plagues my mind today
What happens to a dream deferred?
In his mind, it dries or festers, sugars over, or explodes
In my heart it collects dust and grows old
My dreams run deep, plant roots in my soul
Connects my heart to mind and cradles my goals
But at present, they reside in a small box in a corner
And like a curious child on her birthday
I shake the box, remembering its contents.
I try to pull open one corner to refresh my mind
But reality slaps my hands away
Sadly, I realize my true potential must stay enclosed
While zombieing through a plateaued 9 -5
Little hope for a successful climb to the top
I miss my dreams like a high school love
I yearn for it, reach for it, but I fall short.
My unfulfilled potential grips my heart and slows its beats
It steals the air from my lungs and makes me weak
I weep
I pine
I need this dream to be mine
Because my life's incomplete without the truth of my greatness
So I continue to sneak peaks, when reality has its back turned
I spend my nights wrapped around my box of hopes
Of happiness and serenity
Tugging at the tight ribbon of potential
Til that one day when I too can write of dreams
And to Langston's poem I can reply:
What happens to a dream fulfilled?
Does it swell like the jubilant heart of a child?
Or does it fill up like joyous tears
Then run?
Does it perfume like new life in spring?
Or effervesce and trickle down
Like your love's saccharine kisses?
Or it rises light as a feather into the heavens
Then explodes?

____________________________________________
A Dream Deferred by Langston Hughes
 
What happens to a dream deferred?


Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Keep Your Head Up!

**Repost of MySpace Blog from October 02, 2008**

A couple days ago, I blogged about not being deterred from my goals because of negativity. It was my personal declaration of determination and happiness. In recent weeks, some of my friends and loved ones have not been as fortunate. They are facing daily pressures and heartaches that are too much to bear. Family issues, relationship drama, financial pitfalls, work frustrations, and breaking friendships have plagued them all. And it breaks my heart to see people I care about getting shitted on from all aspects of life. Why is it always the good people that have to fight the hardest? Every roadblock is a test of your ability to survive. I get that. But sometimes it feels like life itself wants you to fail. You know that old saying, "When it rains, it pours"? My people are caught in a freakin' hurricane right now. Hurricane Joy Stealer.

I know there is only so much I can do for them. I wish I could do more. If I could turn back the hands of time, I'd stop the pain and stress from happening in the first place. Sure, we need our tests in life but damn! Not ten tests at once! There aren't enough Cliff Notes in the world to help explain the complexities and meanings of our soul-scarring experiences.

I know I have been on a song kick for the last few blogs but this seems so fitting:
Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier.
Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter.
Someday, yeah, we'll put it together and we'll get it all done
Someday when your head is much lighter.
Someday, yeah, we'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Someday When the world is much brighter

Here's some advice:
-Don't hold grudges against your people. You waste time being mad and miss opportunities to make new memories. Don't let one mistake ruin a solid friendship. Remember all the other times they were there for you.

-In terms of relationships, FORGET HIM OR HER. You are better off without them! If they caused you pain on more that one occasion, they were idiots unworthy of your time.

-If people offer to help you money wise, don't be too proud to accept. Keep being a proud fool if you want to. Your proud ass will be without a car, place to live and food. People offer help because they care, not because they pity you.

-And if work is getting you down... Hell, send me your damn resume. Lol. We can find you something else. Do your best to leave work stress at work. If it affects your home life, it is time for a new start somewhere else.

And above all, keep your head up and don't let anyone steal your happiness.

And know that people have love for you. Especially me. :)

Can't Nobody Hold Me Down :)

**Repost from Myspace Blog from October 01, 2008**

Yes, I am quoting a song again. Shut up! Lol.
So in my past blogs, I gave you some insight into some of my flaws. Basically… I have been a crazy woman before. (Yeah, I know guys, no surprise.)
But I have lots of flaws:
-I am so prideful at times I will lie to protect myself from embarrassed (another blog).
-I make bad choices because I hope for the best.
-I wait until the last minute to do things.
-I have had delusions of sticking through bad situations because I KNOW how much I will be appreciated later (yet another blog).


The list goes on and on. And each time something goes wrong, I fall flat on my face. Feeling hurt, heart broken, pride taken away, just the sight of me crying (ugly crying) feeling sorry for myself. Believe me, not too many people have seen Fragile Tammy. And I rather they don't. (See, being prideful again).

In the past, I have written a lot of angry blogs because of this pain. I can't seem to get it right. I try to be happier, I try new things, I take chances and ish doesn't work out. I got to the point that I thought I would never be happy in any aspect of my life. When I seem to get happy, something goes wrong and it's taken away from me. Why even try? Just be miserable and expect the worse. You are never let down.
But a great thing happened to me years ago. I hit rock bottom.

As I have told some of you, the best thing to happen to me was the worst part of my life. I won't go into details (pride, pride, pride) but I can tell you life has never been worse than that period in my life.

So yes, I get discouraged when things don't go my way. Yes, I cry when my heart is broken and I am alone again. And yes, I get angry and sad when someone interferes with something that has made me just happy in the last few weeks. I quickly gave thought to giving up and moving on. Why waste the energy?

Not happening! I will be a fool and go for it anyway. I will figure out a way to make things right for me.

(Says Serenity prayer silently to herself)

So whatever obstacles or issues stand in my way, I will just have to face them reasonably. Not to the point that other will get hurt in the process though. I never take others down with me. Your issues and insecurities will not interfere with the happiness!

"Can't nobody take my pride, can't nobody hold me down, oh no, I got to keep on moving!" :)

We're In This Together...

Having a reflective moment, bare with me.

In life, we surround ourselves with people that reflect our own interests and goals. Our styles and hopes and even our sense of humors. You always have to keep people around that get the joke. Anyway, if this is true in social situations, it must apply in love too. We are attracted to like-minded people. Sometimes their faults reflect our own faults. We meet people on the same levels as us. But that is what you want. You want someone that understands where you have been and where you want to go. You want someone that is on the same path, though not necessarily the same goal.

That being said, when one of you is moving along faster than the other, what do you do? Do you slow your pace so they can catch up? Do you keep going without them? What is the right course of action? I wish I knew the answer to that. A definitive answer.

Here is what my heart tells me. If you are with someone that is like you, maybe their struggles are a reflection of your own. Maybe your success is one area is a reflect of your failure in another. Just because you both aren't moving at the same pace doesn't mean you give up on them. I can look down on you and tell you to get your shit together only when I am at a point of true success. I just because I have a good paying job isn't a complete success if I hate it. That keeps money in the bank but not happiness in my life. I don't have the headaches of the single mothers and fathers but I don't have the joy of having a child either.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my successes and triumphs. I have great accomplishments but there is always room for improvement. I know I am a work in progress. There is always an upgrade of me available. But getting there is always a struggle. You can always see the best in yourself but it is sometimes hard to get others too. And that is when you need to find someone that does. I think I always taken a liking to someone that is on their way to greatness but not quite there yet.

I have gone through some extremes too. I have had a man with no ambition and a man that was so ambitious he thought I wasn't good enough to be on his level anymore. Hell, I have had a man that didn't know what was good for him at all. Just lost in life.

But the man that knows what he wants and is working to get there, I have respect for. One that doesn't look down on me for holding him back and that I don't have to push to just to get him going. He knows where he wants to be and thought he struggles to get there, makes small successes and tries to make it happen. Ambitious but not pompous. Making a way but not standing still. He doesn't like being a failure and finds a way to make things work. He might now find all his successes at the same time but he will eventually. Eventually he will be completely happy but, for now, finds happiness in what he has accomplished so far and in life.

I think I lost my point along the way. Oh well. I think I just needed to say that. Take what you will from it. I hope it made sense.

Do Better, Be Better!

***Blog note: This is an older blog I published in December 2006. It is a favorite because it talked about an ideal I try to hold on to everyday: DBBB (Do Better, Be Better). Hope you enjoy***

DBBB... Do Better, Be Better. Ever heard that before? I don't just want to do better...I need to be better.

Confused? You shouldn't be. It's the one thing we all strive for and want out of life.

Happiness. Corny sounding, I know, but it is the truth. Problem is we have lost sight of what it means to obtain happiness.

My generation is a generation of obtainers. We like nice things: fancy cars, fine jewelry, big house, things like that. Material things. We spend and spend trying to do better than the next guy. We try to do better than the Joneses because, well, how else will others see our successes? But we keep chasing a dream we may never catch.

Think back for a second. As you grew up, you always looked ahead at better times. For example…when you were 12, you wanted to be 13. At 13, you wanted to be 15. At 15, 16 was what was cool. At 16, you wanted to be grown up at 18. At 18, well, we all want to be legal at 21. 21 lead to a desire to be 25. And now, for most of my friends and me, we are looking ahead to 30. 30 is our new magic number. It's the status we want to obtain. 30.

So what does 30 hold for us?

We see 30 as the time when we will be at out happiest (at least for now). We will have the job we want, the car we want, and the house/apartment/townhouse of our dreams. Many of my guy friends have settled on 30 as the age in which they will settle down with a good woman. No more chasing hoes. Time for the wife and kids.

Here is the only problem I find with striving for 30. I know quite a few 30+ year olds and, believe me, they dont have it good. They are trying to make it just like us under-30 year olds in the same situation s, same problems, and same drama. Just older.

So how is 30 looking now, people? I ask this question of my peers…how is life right now? Forget about getting to 30. How is life today for you? Good? Bad? Ehhh? So-So?

Yeah, I feel the same way.

And so the reason for this blog…do better, be better. This isn't about the material gains. It's about being happy before you buy all of that stuff. TVs break. Cars get totaled. Jewelry gets lost. And then what are you left with? A bunch of bills? An empty feeling? Unfulfilled? Yeah, I will pass on that.

I have been so used to feeling SSDD all the time: same shhh, different day. The same old routine that has been a burden to me for far too long. I am not out here to live the monotonous, everyday life. I want better than that. I want better than the rut I have been reduced to. Or let myself get used to. (Ha…I rhymed!)

So damn the SSDD. It's time for DBBB. Do better, be better.

Many of my friends are practicing that now. I have people in law school, medical school, getting their master's, PhD's, making doors of opportunity open for themselves. They aren't waiting for some magic age to break out. They are making it happen now.

Obtaining the material things isn't going to cut it for me. Granted, a car and apartment are necessary for me right now, I don't have to be in the best. I just need to be happy. I don't want the newest TV, newest car or best entertainment system. None of that is going to help me in the long run. Just fulfill a temporary need until I see something that someone else has and then the whole process starts again. I don't need a life of trying to catch up with others and their purchases. I would never be happy if that was the case. Always running to catch up. I'm going to get tired eventually and then what? I am stuck with stuff I don't want anymore because it is not the best.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with wanting the best of everything. It just shouldn't be the driving force for your actions. You should be. Your family and friends should be. The desire to be fulfilled and content with life. That is what I am trying to get. That is what I want. So, go ahead and do better…get the material things. But be better as well. Work on getting to the point that all those material possessions are just icing on the cake. Not the cake itself.

DBBB, people.

DBBB!