Love Lessons

With every new relationship, I have learned more and more about what I am looking for in a man. The concepts and beliefs held at 18 have slowly developed into something more meaningful and distinct. With each failed relationship, another lesson is learned. And with it, my immature concept with love is sculpted into the true image of what love means to me. I would much rather be a person that loves honestly and with renewed hope with each person than to hold back to protect myself. I feel that if you put forth half-hearted effort, you will get half-hearted results. And though heartbreak is inevitable, it’s the lessons learned from each relationship that prove to be worth the post-breakup pain. And in the end, I always know that I will survive and try once again.

These are some of the lessons I will never forget in my journey:

• Love should not be based on how someone can improve your status. Love should not be a business gain only. Superficial reasons lead to superficial feelings. Love me for believing that I will be a devoted wife and a loving mother. Love me because you know I will never abandon you in your time of need. Love me for who I am right now and what you feel I am capable of.

• Love should not hurt all the time.  It shouldn't leave you in despair or sadness. It should uplift, inspire, and encourage. Never love out of pride and do not allow pride to keep you in bad situations. There is someone better for you that won't leave you with emotional scars and fears for the future.

• Don't love someone because they make you happy. What I mean is don't rely on your love for someone to sustain your daily happiness. You should be able to walk to and away from someone with your joy. Relying on their presence for your light will lead to a darkness that is hard to recover from once they leave. Add your personal happiness and light to someone else's life to find real love.

• Loving someone should not be hard work. It should not be a task you have to make yourself do. Love shouldn't be a struggle. Yes, you face struggles in love but the initial development should not be a battle. That is when it becomes one-sided and unbalanced. One person shouldn't put forth all the effort. Love is a balanced scale. Give and take on both sides. If someone truly cares about you, they will let their feelings be known.

• Don't love someone for the way they make you feel. Love shouldn't be your means for high self-esteem. That's not its purpose. Honesty, love will help you grow and mature. It will envelopes that greatness in you and helps it to blossom. Don't depend on someone to make you feel better about yourself. That is just another form of selfish love.

• Don’t try to love until you are ready. Understandably, you can’t control who you might have feelings for. However, if you are going through a major life change, dealing with drama and issues, or trying to find yourself, keep to yourself. Find yourself and take care of your home first. Get comfortable and secure in yourself before you try to bring someone else into your life.

• Revisiting an old love can be tricky. You are never quite sure if the feelings you had in the past will translate into the present. Sometimes you were only meant to love that person in the past. You’ve learned from the relationship and you move on. Some people are lucky enough to rekindle their old feelings and start fresh. But they find this success because they accept them for they were before and who they have become. Make sure to your love matures beyond your past. Love in reality, not in memory. 

Like I said, these are my lessons. They may not apply to you and your situations. I am always learning, always re-shaping what I want versus what I need. And that has truly been the hardest lesson to accept, learn and put into practice.

Racing to Happiness

There are some obstacles in life that I have the hardest time trying to make sense of. You go through some form of pain or difficulty and you get through it, but the end results seem pointless. Or, on the other hand, you go through a state of happiness and content just to have it end just as soon as it began? And I guess I spend too much time trying to string logic through these “random” events and I can never get them to connect. They never form some neatly packaged “Moral of the Story” scenario. Just a bunch of random clusters of simple happiness or complex issues scattered throughout our lives. Now I know looking forward is the best course of action but you can’t help but ponder on these events.

Could I please experience a life lesson that doesn’t involve my heart or my sanity? Can’t I learn from something indirect for once? Must I stay in this continuous loop of re-building and repairing from yet another stumble in life? Come on! I have enough emotional scrapes, bruises, and scars for now. Let’s try a nice stretch of peace and serenity for a change. Simplicity. Quiet. No tears or frustration or starting over.

It’s like starting the same race over and over again. The first time, you fail because you don’t know what you are doing. But you keep trying. You learn more about the track, what your weaknesses are, where you get your second wind, etc… But sometimes, it feels like you are not going to reach that finish line. You will just keep falling and starting over. Even with a stand full of fans (aka family and friends) cheering you on, it can get to you after I while. I’m tired, my legs hurt, and I’m bleeding from falling. Can I please sit this one out?

Sigh.

And this is where faith comes in. Faith is that conditioning, the training, the extra workouts, anything that prepares you for the race. Knowing you are doing all you can to prepare for these failed races in life. Knowing that you will get to the end of the race successfully. Sometimes when you fall enough times, you start to lost faith in your abilities. It happens. Yes, you have overcome a lot of obstacles, a lot of hurdles if you will, but then that track looks so long. Never-ending. Starting over again gets to be too much. And the thing is I know that no matter what I go through, I will make it through, I will be ok. I already know I will recover because I have done it so many times before.

As I am writing this, I think I realize I need to extend my faith beyond myself. I need to have faith in the outcome of situations and experiences. I learn that though I hurt right now, something better is coming. I have to learn to have more faith in the positive future beyond the finish line.

I guess I have some more training to do.

Death to Good Luck Charlene

If you don’t know by now, I like to reference pop culture in my blogs. This one combines my tweak to the titles for the movies Death to Smoochy plus Good Luck Chuck. Seeing Death to Smoochy will not improve your comprehension of this blog so…no research required. However, I am writing this assuming that most of you have seen the movie Good Luck Chuck. Sorry if you haven’t. It is amusing. To summarize the main plot, it is about a guy that women seek out to have sex with because after they do, the next man that is their future husband.

Now, before you make the connection, no, that is not the case with me. Nasty, lol.

I am not magical and cannot help you find your future soul mate.  This has more to do with a similar, and unhealthy, line of thinking that after someone has been with you, they find the person they are supposed to be with. And it doesn’t matter on what level, just some level beyond a platonic friendship. As if you were their stepping stone to someone better. You’d be surprised how many people have this line of thinking. I used to somewhat. The men I had been with found happiness after me, after we broke up.

Feel free to openly laugh at me at this point.

Ok, that’s enough, punk. Lol.

That is simply not the case. No one has a magical…uh…anything that propels someone to the arms of their true love. And there is no reason for you to think this way. It took a very amazing experience with someone very special to wake me up from this self-destructive thinking. It really is, people. Stop TNT-ing yourself.

The reason they found someone else is because they learned from their mistakes and moved on. They grew from whatever went wrong with your relationship, grew as a person and grew up. They didn’t spend endless hours agonizing over what went wrong and longing for the past. Not to dismiss your significance in their life but, clearly, they moved on. And many of us face this problem of lamenting over lost loves. Or, worse, trying to dissect every aspect of that failed relationship to find the cause of death. Not worth the time (I have done that too). 

Growth is the only way you can move on. Seriously. Sometimes it is hard because all you can do is see the pain or anger from the last relationship. Maybe you have given up on ever finding someone and think there is no one out there for you. You can’t live like that. You will not find a happy future if you live today with pain of your past. I have tried and failed time and time again. You are not cursed to be single for the rest of your life. Come on, even you don’t believe that to be true. And if you do, do better.

It is an amazing experience when you wake up and realize that the person in all of this that needs to change is you. Ha ha, it’s not them, it’s YOU!

Ok, that even made me laugh.

But that is a great thing. Take this time to reflect on your life and where you stand. Are you happy? Are you capable of making yourself happy? If not, time for some changes. Take time out of the dating scene (or cut buddy scene) and make some life changes. Time alone doesn’t have to be a lonesome time. Yes, long nights are in your future but that doesn’t mean this time won’t be meaningful and worth it.

And I am not speaking to you from the Land of the Shiny, Happy People. I am still working on that. I am speaking to you from Just Woke Up (With Some Sleep Still in the Corner of My Eye) Land. I just learned this lesson and I am at the start of my journey. Just thought I would share my discovery with you.

So if you still aren’t convinced, well, continue on your Good Luck state of mind and enjoy loneliness (just saying). But if you ready to make that change for happiness, assassinate your Charlie or Charlene. Ok, ok,  if assassinate is too violent of an image  (stop being so sensitive people…), just push him or her out of your way.

Bottom line: Do better, be better. 

Keep Your Head Up!

**Repost of MySpace Blog from October 02, 2008**

A couple days ago, I blogged about not being deterred from my goals because of negativity. It was my personal declaration of determination and happiness. In recent weeks, some of my friends and loved ones have not been as fortunate. They are facing daily pressures and heartaches that are too much to bear. Family issues, relationship drama, financial pitfalls, work frustrations, and breaking friendships have plagued them all. And it breaks my heart to see people I care about getting shitted on from all aspects of life. Why is it always the good people that have to fight the hardest? Every roadblock is a test of your ability to survive. I get that. But sometimes it feels like life itself wants you to fail. You know that old saying, "When it rains, it pours"? My people are caught in a freakin' hurricane right now. Hurricane Joy Stealer.

I know there is only so much I can do for them. I wish I could do more. If I could turn back the hands of time, I'd stop the pain and stress from happening in the first place. Sure, we need our tests in life but damn! Not ten tests at once! There aren't enough Cliff Notes in the world to help explain the complexities and meanings of our soul-scarring experiences.

I know I have been on a song kick for the last few blogs but this seems so fitting:
Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier.
Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter.
Someday, yeah, we'll put it together and we'll get it all done
Someday when your head is much lighter.
Someday, yeah, we'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Someday When the world is much brighter

Here's some advice:
-Don't hold grudges against your people. You waste time being mad and miss opportunities to make new memories. Don't let one mistake ruin a solid friendship. Remember all the other times they were there for you.

-In terms of relationships, FORGET HIM OR HER. You are better off without them! If they caused you pain on more that one occasion, they were idiots unworthy of your time.

-If people offer to help you money wise, don't be too proud to accept. Keep being a proud fool if you want to. Your proud ass will be without a car, place to live and food. People offer help because they care, not because they pity you.

-And if work is getting you down... Hell, send me your damn resume. Lol. We can find you something else. Do your best to leave work stress at work. If it affects your home life, it is time for a new start somewhere else.

And above all, keep your head up and don't let anyone steal your happiness.

And know that people have love for you. Especially me. :)

We're In This Together...

Having a reflective moment, bare with me.

In life, we surround ourselves with people that reflect our own interests and goals. Our styles and hopes and even our sense of humors. You always have to keep people around that get the joke. Anyway, if this is true in social situations, it must apply in love too. We are attracted to like-minded people. Sometimes their faults reflect our own faults. We meet people on the same levels as us. But that is what you want. You want someone that understands where you have been and where you want to go. You want someone that is on the same path, though not necessarily the same goal.

That being said, when one of you is moving along faster than the other, what do you do? Do you slow your pace so they can catch up? Do you keep going without them? What is the right course of action? I wish I knew the answer to that. A definitive answer.

Here is what my heart tells me. If you are with someone that is like you, maybe their struggles are a reflection of your own. Maybe your success is one area is a reflect of your failure in another. Just because you both aren't moving at the same pace doesn't mean you give up on them. I can look down on you and tell you to get your shit together only when I am at a point of true success. I just because I have a good paying job isn't a complete success if I hate it. That keeps money in the bank but not happiness in my life. I don't have the headaches of the single mothers and fathers but I don't have the joy of having a child either.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my successes and triumphs. I have great accomplishments but there is always room for improvement. I know I am a work in progress. There is always an upgrade of me available. But getting there is always a struggle. You can always see the best in yourself but it is sometimes hard to get others too. And that is when you need to find someone that does. I think I always taken a liking to someone that is on their way to greatness but not quite there yet.

I have gone through some extremes too. I have had a man with no ambition and a man that was so ambitious he thought I wasn't good enough to be on his level anymore. Hell, I have had a man that didn't know what was good for him at all. Just lost in life.

But the man that knows what he wants and is working to get there, I have respect for. One that doesn't look down on me for holding him back and that I don't have to push to just to get him going. He knows where he wants to be and thought he struggles to get there, makes small successes and tries to make it happen. Ambitious but not pompous. Making a way but not standing still. He doesn't like being a failure and finds a way to make things work. He might now find all his successes at the same time but he will eventually. Eventually he will be completely happy but, for now, finds happiness in what he has accomplished so far and in life.

I think I lost my point along the way. Oh well. I think I just needed to say that. Take what you will from it. I hope it made sense.